I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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