Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
