i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
