hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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