mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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