batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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