you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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