True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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