News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Randomize
