I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
