with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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