How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
they need to just BURY HIM!
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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