my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
