his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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