he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
