My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Such a big mess for such a small penis
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
