I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
