Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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