Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
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