And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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