in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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