he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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