My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
