i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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