The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
