My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
