im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
So many bounce houses so little time
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
