if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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