mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
