I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
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