We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
