Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Randomize
