you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
