I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I'm both gender and math confused
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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