I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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