I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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