So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
