I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Acid is not a monday night drug
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
It's official drugs can't kill me
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
