Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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