i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize