I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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