She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
