By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
