I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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