I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
