i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Ladies don't puke and tell
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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