She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
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