remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
