It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
