Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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