Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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