i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
His nipple licking is glorious
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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