I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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