I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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