I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
This baby is an asshole
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
