My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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