I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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