He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
