I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
