Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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