all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
