Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
