i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
