Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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