i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
