He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
