it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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