Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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